when it comes, it kills

after a long while of trying to solve myself, the unstable emotional comes again.

it took about 3 months for me to realized that i am back in that state.

but i want to end it for good. i need to end it. i am going to end it.

i can’t stand having to go through this.

it hurts my body, my mind and soul.

i am tired. constantly tired.

I was always telling abang how my friendship with him changed.

he tolerated me for quite awhile and of course he has his limits.

he even advises me endlessly and i’ll be aware about it, then, completely forget about it when my mind goes haywire.

for that i thank u for putting up with my craziness.

but what i discovered yesterday morning was me.

i changed

when i used to be sad and i tell him about it,

he’ll joke until i forget about it.

but now, i get agitated and i get sad.

i didn’t realized that until my sister told me

“you should know him”

i no longer laugh, i no longer joke.

i no longer talk about random stuff,

i no longer do things that made me look silly.

but another thing that frustrates me when i was talking to him normally,

he would reply a single sentence or just one word.

that made me miss the old how we use to text.

i always tell him that i am going to change,

i am. i know how to do it

but in terms of doing it

it’s kinda hard to start.

but i guess, once i get through it

i will never go back.

so i have to end this state of depression.

end it for good.

what people don’t know is that,

it comes slowly and I don’t know about it until months down the road

I also think i shouldn’t feel attached to someone.

i don’t mean attached as in a relationship.

attached as in that attachment between friends.

some how along the way i feel like he’s my good friend.

and i was afraid that we won’t be as close.

but i guess to him now, i must be a very bad friend or person.

And I tried fixing it all the time, for how much I treasure the friendship.

I kept trying and trying to fix things.

but what i should learn is to never feel or have that attachment feeling towards anybody.

ever again!
We’re going to die alone anyways.

This got to go! For good!

Later days,
Double zee.


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