Others.

I really don’t get it why are you involving others?

Really, whatever happened between us is between us and not other people including acquaintances or friends.

But now, you’re involving others who only know one part of the story. In which would be your part and not mine.

Loss and lesson learned

it felt like i’ve lost something that i treasure so dearly.

i wanted to have it but i think his time in my life was supposed to be brief.

it was to pushed me to start praying because before that, I know I have to but i just didn’t

and so, I thank him for pushing me to do that.

 

he kept saying that i was negative and by that i tried so hard to change

then after months, I’ve realized that the friendship was no longer positive anyways.

my thoughts was the effect of how it changed and my gut feeling telling me there’s something’s up.

I was reacting to his behaviors and how it changed.

Soon, i brought up the bad in him and he brought up the bad in me. Then, I went into depression again.

I tried to fix it willingly for it to be relaxing and fun like before but i was doing all the work

it didn’t matter to him because he was having lots of other people to give his attention to.

and loads of other things came up too.

People approached me telling me things that I should have known.

It ended with sarcasm. all the things that came out was sarcastic remarks.

 

i hope he knows that I wasn’t pissed at my sister for visiting his place with everyone.

she pissed me of for treating me badly. I don’t even care if she travel around the world with them.

“some friends make better siblings than your own siblings and some siblings are just strangers you grew up with”

i really hope he’ll be there for my sister when she needs help because i am done with helping people who hurt me continuously.

she covered him and she knows how it’ll affect me but she didn’t care how i’ll feel.

 

What I’ve learned throughout this experience.

– always give chance to people who really deserves it

– tell upfront with what’s going on.

– just let go and let it be. if someone wants to be in your life, they will stay with no excuses.

-don’t hold on to the past. the past is a very dark place to stay, there’s no light and no purpose but lessons.

-don’t hold to anyone’s word too seriously.

-don’t expect people to do what you are willing to do for them.

-just don’t stop being yourself.

-never to lose yourself even if you are close with anyone.

-stop apologizing to people who doesn’t deserve it.

 

 

things that change with the same old excuses.

Things change and changes are something that no one can avoid, as we change every single day.

But why try to convinced me that it didn’t?

Before even you were in class you would still reply my text messages,

Yet, you never said that I text you at the wrong time,

It didn’t take you half a day to reply a single text,

And yet, I’m the one who over thinks.

 

Maybe on other thing, I over think but of course, I know the difference on how you used to be.

I never wanted anything but things to just be the same.

But it went the other way,

and I went back to depression without even me noticing it.

 

Yes, two weeks ago I decided that I can’t be friends with you,

because I don’t think friendship should make anyone this sad.

I am sad about it too and seeing that he doesn’t care that we, no longer talk.

Clearly shows that I’m just a spec of dust in one’s life. LoL.

 

The past week was fine but I am missing you right now,

I want to text you but you might be busy and then,

you might say that I text you at the wrong time.

So, I’ll just text you on your unused BBM because that way,

It’ll be like me telling you what’s happening and we won’t be arguing every time we talk.

 

I started doing that when it took you half a day to reply a text or sometimes one text a day.

It’s true what they say, “when someone wants something from you, they’ll make time for you but when they don’t want anything, they’ll make excuses”

They’ll tell you they’re busy and so on, when before even you were busy doing assignments you and i would keep texting and you’ll call it, “multitasking”

I hope you’ll never know how it feels to be treated that way.

Then again, now you have new friends that you can talk to or spend time with seeing that everyone is in the same timezone or don’t give you headaches.

 

This is when your words and actions contradicts each other.

Your words says that you’re not avoiding and I tried to get hold of you at the wrong time.

Seeing as how it used to be. Don’t you feel that you’re giving excuses to avoid but I was just being straight up front about it.

You kept telling me to give people chances and not everyone is the same,

But you proved to me that I was right.

I didn’t want to be right because when every time you advised me that regarding people,

I wanted to be wrong.

 

Then again, I won’t generalized people as the same anymore because everyday is a new day.

I guess at first, I was relaxed and joking all the time but then it felt like I was losing a friend to everyone else.

But I hope one day through time, we’ll be friends again and we’ll forget what ever happened before.

That time, it won’t be a friendship that gives sadness to me or headaches to you.

but for now, I’m settling myself because I can’t stand getting in and out of depression constantly.

 

I miss how annoying you are and i miss the jokes and laughter. in a good way.

Later days,

ZZ.

when it comes, it kills

after a long while of trying to solve myself, the unstable emotional comes again.

it took about 3 months for me to realized that i am back in that state.

but i want to end it for good. i need to end it. i am going to end it.

i can’t stand having to go through this.

it hurts my body, my mind and soul.

i am tired. constantly tired.

I was always telling abang how my friendship with him changed.

he tolerated me for quite awhile and of course he has his limits.

he even advises me endlessly and i’ll be aware about it, then, completely forget about it when my mind goes haywire.

for that i thank u for putting up with my craziness.

but what i discovered yesterday morning was me.

i changed

when i used to be sad and i tell him about it,

he’ll joke until i forget about it.

but now, i get agitated and i get sad.

i didn’t realized that until my sister told me

“you should know him”

i no longer laugh, i no longer joke.

i no longer talk about random stuff,

i no longer do things that made me look silly.

but another thing that frustrates me when i was talking to him normally,

he would reply a single sentence or just one word.

that made me miss the old how we use to text.

i always tell him that i am going to change,

i am. i know how to do it

but in terms of doing it

it’s kinda hard to start.

but i guess, once i get through it

i will never go back.

so i have to end this state of depression.

end it for good.

what people don’t know is that,

it comes slowly and I don’t know about it until months down the road

I also think i shouldn’t feel attached to someone.

i don’t mean attached as in a relationship.

attached as in that attachment between friends.

some how along the way i feel like he’s my good friend.

and i was afraid that we won’t be as close.

but i guess to him now, i must be a very bad friend or person.

And I tried fixing it all the time, for how much I treasure the friendship.

I kept trying and trying to fix things.

but what i should learn is to never feel or have that attachment feeling towards anybody.

ever again!
We’re going to die alone anyways.

This got to go! For good!

Later days,
Double zee.

Jet-setting February.

February 2013,

It’s a lifetime experience that I will never forget.

My trip started at the end of January, 30th. I went to Xiamen, China for Syafiq’s Graduation. I have never been to China and it’s a very different experience.

One of the different thing would be; as soon as the plane landed on the ground, everyone unbuckle their belts and already trying to take their luggage from the overhead compartment. I was a bit mind-fuck because the stewardess had to use her back to hold the passenger and told them to get back to their seat.

Other than the language and the things that I expect.

I thought most of them could at least speak simple basic english but they don’t. they don’t even understand my sign language. In which made me regret for not finishing my Mandarin class and I realized that I suck at sign language. I can’t even tell the sales person where do I look for a towel. 

I also expect for them to have small squinty eyes but no, their eyes were as huge and round as mine.

They drive on the left side of the car and they don’t have road rules. They just avoid whatever comes their way, so I guess the drivers are quite alert and you just got to be careful as to not get hit.

That Chinese food are just awesome because it’s halal so I can eat it. I don’t remember the name of the place but TAECO brought all of us there for the graduation dinner with everyone that was involve with the ceremony.

Things like Zara, Pull&bear, Bershka and so on is damn cheaper compare to the ones in Malaysia and there’s more variety too. So, I think shopping in Xiamen is better if you don’t think about the language barrier but if you speak Mandarin then, there’s nothing to stop you from going.

I went to Gulangyu Island. It’s a huge island that I didn’t get to discover all around but there were so many souvenir shop throughout the island. Most of them sell the same thing at the same price.

I expect myself to be back and to explore the island smartly the next time.

On the 5th Feb, my parents and I flew back to K.L but I only transit in K.L to get on my flight to London. Other than going back to Perth alone, flying to London would be my first trip overseas alone. Then again, there was a friend of mine waiting for me at the airport.

I was exhausted when I arrived on the 6th February, but when I saw my friend (abang) from afar, I was happy! and I got too nervous, I ran to the toilet and vomit. I stayed in London for a couple of hours, to sleep and waited for my friend to get his visa to the States. After lunch with his cousin, we hung out for a little while before heading to Portsmouth about 4.30pm.

We headed to Paddington train station, with the thought that the line would connect us to Portsmouth but we were wrong, we actually hadto go to Waterloo station to get to Portsmouth and it was during peak hours to Waterloo station using the underground line. It was an amazing experience but I was exhausted but I was trying hard not to be.

It was probably about 5pm when we reached Waterloo station and the train departed for about 6pm. At least I get to sit down for about 2 hours, talking to Abang along the way was quite hilarious too and sometimes I wonder why the hell am I here but at the same time, it was relaxing because it felt easy. Now, I don’t even think we could talk for more than 1 minute.

Before I left, I wanted to eat everything there is in the U.K. but when I was there, I don’t even know what happened to my appetite but I didn’t eat anything much. I know I had the dessert at Wharf Quay, and it was delicious.

In Portsmouth, we stayed over at Meera’s house and she actually waited for us since afternoon. We followed her to  rehearsal, it was quite nice actually and to watch her dor the real event but I didn’t get to. We had Ken’s Fried Chicken for dinner, it was too salty and the trick of  Towards the end of the day, I don’t really care about anything anymore. All I want to do was sleep for hours and hours and hours.

The next day, we went to town or city center and I sat at the fountain thinking about nothing and how exhausted I still am but I tried not to let it get to me because it was supposed to be a trip of exploring parts of England! While I was there, I learned to play pool too and I don’t think I like it because I actually don’t like the fact that my boobs touches the pool table every time I leaned over to take a shot. Haihs.

I spent two night in Portsmouth and the last day, we had lunch with Meera’s friend named Jon at a Seafood place. It was nice! and there was a bit of sightseeing of the ocean. I was damn cold. I do not want to be in Europe for winter again. I highly dislike it besides I love to hibernate during winter.

Anyways, we took the train and went to London. I got even more tired when we reached London. I honestly don’t know why I made this kind of trip. At first it was for this crazy life experience that I’ve always wanted to know how it’ll feel like. How does it feel to fly over from one continent to another. Well, I really did get what I wanted and it’s damn exhausting.

London was nice, we took a taxi from Waterloo Station to the hotel and I get to do a bit of sightseeing along the way. The hotel we stayed was 5 minutes from the Paddington Station and I was amazed that everything was actually so near. We walked everywhere and we had Noodle Oodle for dinner, it was delicious! I like the roasted duck. yums! I found my favourite place…. BOOTS! haha. Then, we walked to the hotel after dinner.

The next day, we went to British Museum and it was huge! I didn’t get to cover the whole area but that’s just another reason for me to go again the next time. There’s a list of things that I am going to do the next time. After the museum, we walked to Oxford street and Abang stopped to asked a lady for direction but Primark was just opposite the street. I wanted to laugh so bad that time but I was tired. hahaha. But somehow towards the end of the day, I turned moody and I was in no mood to talk to anyone. I realized that it made things awkward but I was too tired to care. I really am sorry for my behavior and I shouldn’t do that to people. Especially Nisya and Pedot because they took a couple of hours bus ride to get to London.

The last day in London, the only thing plan was check out and move to another hotel and the Chinese New Year Fireworks at Trafalgar Square. It was freezing! and the stupidest thing I did was to wear three layer of clothes and I didn’t wear my thermal wear. I guess now I know how the homeless feels, frozen to death. My jacket was wet because I wore the wrong one and I was stupid enough to not buy a new one when I was at Oxford Street.

The fireworks didn’t go long as expected and I guess because of the rain. It was devastating and I pity Jon because he was excited about it too, I guess he should come to Kuching for Chinese New Year. The fireworks would be  more awesome! but just suffer the consequences of the haze after!

Well, after the firework, we did a bit of speed touring like walked to get to the train station which passed by the London Eye, Big Ben and The Parliament *The Parliament house is where we can talk* I did took a few photos but I don’t have it with me right now and I don’t know when will I ever have it. Maybe just maybe, I am not going to have it and I’ll go to London to re-write this trip. By that time, I’ll post an even awesome trip.

After dinner, there was a bit of snow and I was soaking for my jacket is useless. I wanted to experience the snow so much and when I get it, I don’t like it! not even one bit! We sent Pedot to the Bus Station because she could only stay for a  night. But I’m thankful for her to visit me even it was for a night and I was being a moody bitch. I am so very sorry dot. Nisya stayed for another night and the three of us slept together and when she sleeps its kinda cute because she hides under the blanket.

Oh the second hotel overlooked the Hyde Park and I wanted to walked around there but with the weather being too cold for me to handle I would rather stay in bed or indoors but I didn’t do that much either. Oh, I fell in the tub and I called it Hyde Park!

The morning that I left, I was sad because I wanted so much to stay and really enjoy my trip, discover more places and eat all those desserts. It was such a rush trip and all I could feel was my exhaustion.

I arrived K.L on the 12th February morning and had teatime with Niessa at Bimmers, eating rojak ayam. Man! food never taste delicious as I didn’t eat the whole flight from London – Kul – Kch. My flight leaves to Kch at 8pm of the same day and I am so glad that I get to nap.

I slept through the entire flight from Kul – Perth. I arrived in Perth on 13th February at 5am and was glad that Nora pick me up. I stayed over Nora’s house for a couple of days, then to Deska’s and then to Waterford. I slept through the first 3 days that I was there. So there’s nothing much that I did there but to meet up with my movie partner, Denah, Dayah and Jas. I met up with Jas in London and  we both met up in Perth too. At least I get to eat the few things that I’ve been wanting to eat for the past 2 years.

Did a bit of cleaning at Waterford with Azri and it was kind of funny as a bug flew up my nose when I was cleaning the pantry.

I did a bit of shopping at Carousel, Harbor Town and City but I didn’t get to do anything else.

I was also in town for Fringe World Event. It was nice. Nora and I walked through Northbridge to take a look around, passing by Metros made me miss those days when everything was fun.

I left Perth on the 18th february 2013 and I was sad to be leaving Perth. It was home, it was a place where I sort of grew up. Well, I was raised and grew up in Kuching but a place where I explore life was in Perth and it’ll always be home.

 

To sum up the trip, it was awesome! I went from Asia to Europe to Australiasia. It was pretty damn exhausting but some time in the future, I’ll probably tell someone to never travel like how I did in February 2013. You could at least spent 1 week plus in one place and really enjoy  the place, the people and explore!

 

Later days,

Double Zee.

Feelings.

Here’s what I think about people and feelings.

If you show very little of it:- you have a heart of stone or you’re a bitch for not giving a fuck towards anything or just bitter.

If you show too much of it or tell people how you feel:- you’re an emotional person or too expressive.

Everyone would never be satisfy with anything. Why can anyone take things as is? So there’s no need to think excessively about thing and end up hurting other people’s feelings.

What RIGHT does anyone have to hurt your feelings? – NONE! you’ll hurt as long as you let it hurt you.

People and feelings; everyone needs it and everyone always say how everyone needs to take care of each others feelings. Here’s the thing, if you care too much about how other people feels and they’re not doing the same. It’s damn pointless. It’s fucking pointless even if you’re friends with them since forever.

Moral of the story, don’t ever put your feelings on other people’s hand even your friends. It’s because they might use it against you and probably be happy that they’ve successfully hurt your feelings (or what’s left of it).

But you are not allowed to hurt their feelings because theirs are just too fucking sensitive.

Later days,

Double Zee.

Just got to let it out.

I need to let it out. I’ll be using their initials instead of real names.

Let me define what a friend according to the dictionary first,

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement: friends of the clean air movement.
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
Now, I will tell you how one of my friends are;
she/he talks as if I don’t have any feelings. Seriously I always consider your feelings before I tell you things because there’s a point where I’m afraid that I might hurt your feelings but it seems like when you talk. You don’t give a fuck, I’ve tolerated when you ADVICE ME ON MY ATTITUDE AND WHAT NOT. HONESTLY THE SAME GOES TO YOU.
YOU SAID THAT I’M PICKY, TRUST ME THAT MAKES TWO OF US. SO YOU’VE GOT NO RIGHT TO CRITICIZE MY ATTITUDE.
She/he doesn’t like that I am friends with another person that she/he is not close with but that doesn’t give you any right to tell me things that would hurt my feeling. Just as so much that he/she doesn’t want to see me being friends with him. He/she didn’t do anything.
The word SORRY!
It’s overused and lost its meaning.
Right now, I just don’t want to be around anyone.
Later days,
Double Zee.